The crazy spiral of emotions

I know I haven’t posted much. But here is a start. Hubby and I have been trying to start a family for about 8 months with no avail. I was diagnosed with Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome,  PCOS for short, two years ago.  So we were aware that I might have trouble conceiving. It was an emotional 3 months when I first came off the pill.  Lots of crying,  lots of grumpiness and lots of blah.

We have started seeing a fertility specialist and he is quite confident that I will be pregnant this year.  This is great news. I’ve pretty much nearly stopped looking at Facebook, because I have quite a few friends who have a family and their kids are growing up so fast,  then I look at myself and think why don’t I have a family? Why can’t I be pregnant? Why am I broken? My heart sinks when I see little babies and toddlers… Because I keep wishing that I had one or two of my own.

When I was first diagnosed with PCOS my doctor was sure that I had what is referred to as fat person PCOS. This was when I learnt that there were two types, if you are obese you can get PCOS which is reversible and the other is having PCOS and it makes you obese due to one of the symptoms which is pre-diabetes.

Are a few tests and having lost about 15kgs in the last year,  it would seem that I have PCOS for good. And thinking about my period cycles when I was growing up and going through puberty it all makes sense. I never use to be obese.  I was average until about 15-16 when I had my growth spurt. I got my period the year I started year 7, I was about 10 turning 11 that year. The years leading up to my growth spurt my periods were never regular. Ever.  When I hit my growth spurt,  I just ballooned and put in weight and to put it bluntly… I got fat. Right here ladies and gentlemen is PCOS at its best.

So I have lost 15% of my original weight and still PCOS lingers,  so it’s safe to say that I am stuck with it.  Over the past month both hubby and I have had tests done.  Blood test,  hubby had to do an andrology test and I had a painful ultrasound done.  Tomorrow is the day we go back to see the fertility specialist to get the results and take the next step.

As I sit here on the floor behind the door in the female toilets at work… Tear streaking down my face,  I feel so alone,  though I know that there must be millions of females just like me.  I feel like I have no one to really talk about all this. And feeling like such a girl hiding in the bathroom crying, and that makes me want to cry even more.

Time to pull up my big girl socks. Wash my face.  And put some Queen on so I can face the world.